Last August I bought a new car, because a giant tree was kind enough to fall through the roof of my old one.
In the process of buying the new car
I had the incredible privilege of meeting
the worst salesman in the world.
…well, I guess in his defense there must
be a WORSE salesman than him, but that person
would probably have to use techniques that
would put him in prison.
So, for that reason, my guy is going to
officially be named The Worst Car Salesman
in the World.
Ever since then, this idiot has graciously
been sending me his version of direct mail,
which is trying to follow the formula of the
World’s Greatest Salesman, Joe Girard.
The idea is that you keep in touch with your
customers by sending them holiday cards and
other cards once a month. Not trying to sell
anything, just tuck your business card in
there and remind the person that you are
thinking about them.
Well, my idiot didn’t get that memo. Amazingly,
he was kind enough to send me another letter
just yesterday.
He also had no copywriting training at all.
http://www.sales-letter-system.com
So, I thought that I would end the week
critiquing his scary excuse for direct mail
with the hopes that you will benefit from
his shortcomings.
So here goes:
This is the “sales letter” that he sent me.
…and I use that term VERY loosely here, since
it shouldn’t be called a sales letter.
First, he spells my name wrong in the address
line. (This is an insult to most people. If
you are going to use their name, make sure
it’s correct).
Headline: Time Sure Slips Away
Body copy:
“Can you believe that you have been driving
your Pontiac Vibe for 9 months already? That
seems a little hard for me to accept, but time
has a habit of slipping away.Perhaps one of your friends, neighbors, relatives
or co-workers is looking for a different vehicle.
If they have happened to mention it to you I would
appreciate it if you would send them in to see me.
I enjoy working with people. It has a way of making
the day go by a little faster.Your Servicing Salesperson,
Idiot (Real name withheld)”
Now, I am not going to re-write the letter here,
but I am going to show what NOT to do, so let’s
get started.
First the headline-
When you are writing a headline, you need to
capture the reader’s attention. This little
ditty couldn’t catch a cold. It does not create
a question in the reader’s mind and it doesn’t
do much of anything.
First sentence-
Yes, I believe I have been driving my car for
9 months, because that’s how long it’s been.
So what?
Second sentence-
I don’t care if you accept that fact or not.
Why would you tell that to someone? Yes, time
slips away. It’s one of the laws of the universe.
Again, duh.
Third/Fourth sentence-
Here he just jumps in and asks for a referral.
There is absolutely no incentive given for me
to do this.
This is where you create a bird-dog system and
give your customer $100 for each new person they
bring in.
Fifth sentence-
I’m very glad that you enjoy working with people.
You better enjoy it, you are a salesman. However,
that still has nothing to do with this piece
of direct mail.
Final sentence-
He closes this shining star of copywriting by
implying that I should refer my friends to him
so that he can make his day go by faster.
Apparently he is also the most-bored salesman
in the world as well. He doesn’t end the letter
with much of a call to action or any reason why
I would want to give him any business.
This one is going on my wall. I might even frame it.
So there you have it. This is everything NOT to
do. I also HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you save your
direct mail so that you can create a swipe file
for examples to help you write your own sales
letters.
…but if you really want to write a sales letter
that will knock the socks off the competition
and will bring in a pile of new customers, then
scoot on over to the Underdog Sales Letter System:
http://www.sales-letter-system.com
On June 12th, the price is going to double, so get
your paws on a copy TODAY if you are even the
slightest bit interested.
Until Monday,
Joshua Black
*******************************************
Copyright 2010, Outer Limit Productions LLC.
All rights reserved.
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your business earn huge piles of moolah:
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http://www.how-to-business-network.com
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http://www.closing-the-sale.com
http://www.information-product-report.com
http://www.UltimateUSPcreator.com
http://www.underdog-success-formula.com
_________________________________________
{ 9 comments }
Hey Joshua,
I love how you mapped out this post.
Even I could have done a better job than your crappy car sales guy, and I am no copywriter trust me.
Never really thought about keeping direct mail as a swipe file, will try it out as I certainly receive enough of the stuff.
Thanks for the copywriting tips, I found them really helpful.
Sally
.-= Sally´s last blog ..Sally Neill 2010 =-.
Thanks Sally,
Swipe files are one of the best training tools that you can have for copywriting. Just keep samples of things that catch your eye, and any pieces that are mailed to you multiple times, because they are probably “control” pieces (letters that have consistantly made money for the business). Keep things from many different businesses as well, not just the industry that you happent to be in. Ideas come from everywhere.
-Josh
Josh,
man, is that really your car? That’s crazy. at least nobody was in the car.
You know, I can’t tell you how many times I forget a CTA. I get so engrossed in the whole “content” or copy, and forget to include.
Thanks for the post,
Brandon
.-= TheInfoPreneur´s last blog ..Success From Failures…Sleeping Like a Baby =-.
Brandon,
The call to action is the whole reason we are here. Blogging, marketing, sales letters, MLM, whatever floats your boat… if there is no call to action then you are just entertaining your customers and they will go down the street and give their fist-fulls of cash to someone that will give them something to do.
-Josh
Hey Joshua.
Hahaha, yeah that was a pretty shoddy attempt at a sale! However, I really like how you have analysed and then broken down the letter into its various elements so that we could see how it goes together. What I would have loved to have seen was your version of what it should have said at the end, so as to reference it all together. Still a fun read and I’m glad the tree was ‘kind’ enough to drop in and visit your car.
.-= Alex´s last blog ..The Ultimate Guide to Effective Blog Commenting =-.
First of all, as to the picture…ouch!
I can guarantee you this guy thinks he is doing a knock-out job keeping in touch with his customers. You got to get a laugh out of that.
I get cheap little home-made letters from a realtor we used to attend church with. He’ll put his business card in – or at holidays maybe a little calendar thing that is totally useless to me and goes in the garbage. I just don’t get why he thinks this would appeal to anyone.
And that brings me to another little pet peeve of mine. I hate wasting stuff. I think most of us do. Why do business people send calendars (and such) out to former customers (with their business info on them of course) when they have NO idea if those people have any desire to receive that product? When I get them they go in the garbage and I cringe because of the wastefulness – but I’m not the one doing the wasting (of money and other resources). Send a card, sure – but hold the junk!
Anne,
You make a very god point. This is the KEY when giving out freebies with your business info on them. They have to be of value to the customers. This even includes business cards, that’s why I tell everyone to make sure they use both sides and give some serious business card advice in my upcoming marketing book as well. Thanks for stopping by.
-Josh
LOL. I am tempted to research where you live so I can see the name of that salesperson myself. I know you won’t advertise it here. It was hilarious how he went straight for the referral!
.-= Brandon Connell´s last blog ..CONTEST: FREE ADVERTISING – DEADLINE June 27th, 2010 =-.
Hi Joshua,
That is one of the better sales letters I have seen. Of course, the guy I bought my car from probably would have sent one if only he was allowed to use the company computer (they stopped him from using it while I was there – it was rather funny).
Ha. I can’t stop laughing at the first two sentences – a thinly veiled, extraordinarily poor attempt at making a sale to you family members. Excellent.
Honestly, I don’t know how you made it through the whole thing. Thanks for sharing!
Have a good day!
.-= mark´s last blog ..Define Your Life Balance =-.